Some Kinda Fish Sauce
by DMReturns
Summary: A strange set of stories involving the kitchen at the SSB HQ. Strange, and possibly written under the effects of narcotics, hallucinogens or both.
1. Oh Hell, Oh Damn

Marth dropped to his knees, breaking the tense air of the situation.

"_All I wanted was a fucking cheese sandwich!"_

Wow. I think you came in a little late. Yep, this is where our hero, at least for the time being, has found himself. Strange position to be in, no? But anyway, let's do this Tarantino style. I'm gonna head back and tell it like it happened from the beginning.

Ha. Just look at him. Pitiful.

Ah, here we are. The beginning. Ahem, 3rd person, past tense, omniscient view… now. I mean, uh, then.

It was a lazy day of no fighting in the Smash Brothers compound. Off days were scarce, but boring, and when they rolled around the fighters had to find ways to entertain themselves. Fox did Pilates. Mario and Luigi did golf. Marth, Roy and Link had a garage band. Which was difficult, because there was no garage. From eyewitness reports they apparently traveled to alternate dimensions and romanced young high school girls(1). Don't ask.

On this day there was no band practice, so Marth did what any hungry swordsman/lead guitarist/gladiator would do.

He uh, ate food. Convenient(2) , considering the setting of this story. As he entered the kitchen, he felt a pair of eyes watching him. Wait for the camera to do a dramatic pan.

_Whooooooosh._

There. Ignoring this like a good main character, he pressed on. First the bread. Then the cheese. The process was simple. For now. Before he could decide which would taste better, Altean Swiss or Monterrey Jackass, another strange feeling crept over him.

Alright, there's only enough room left in the budget for half a pan.

Whoooo- 

It was Zelda.

"Marth…"

"Uh, yeah. What?"

"We need to talk. About, us…"

"I'm trying to make a cheese sandwich."

"I love you, but you're always so cold. Distant…"

"Stop using ellipses and let me make this cheese sandwich."

"Am I just a tool to you?"

Marth dropped the knife with which he was slicing the hunk of dairy, and sighed.

"Sweetie. Listen to me."

Zelda leaned in, eyes glistening with tears.

"I AM TRYING TO MAKE A GODDAMN SANDWICH."

Before Zelda could answer, Link came bounding down the hallway.

"That's it, Marth. I've had it with your tricks. Zelda is mine and there's nothing you can do to stop it!"

"But Link…"

Marth just ignored them.

"What are you three doing in here!"

Roy entered from another door, dressed in boxers alone. The face of Link drained in color. At this point, Marth was rummaging around in the fridge for some romaine lettuce.

"Roy, are you…"

"Yes Link. I'm tired of hiding this. You say you love Zelda, but it's all a sham."

"No, Roy, stooooop!"

"You are in love with Marth!"

Marth peered up from his sandwich preparations.

"How could you, Roy! I had to hide this from Zelda, and you…" Link started.

Marth just muttered something along the lines of 'fucking tights gave it away, faggot…' and continued chopping tomatoes.

Roy leapt towards Link, past a mortified Zelda. "You can't hide it! Just like I can't hide this…" The red haired prince and Hylian hero leaned in and kissed deeply. Marth gagged a little, and Zelda shrieked.

"My friend and my hero, betraying me! Woebegone art I(4)!"

Zelda then impaled herself upon the nearest sharp object.

* * *

D A R K N OT E S

* * *

They're like Sparknotes, only if anyone else makes that comparison I'll fucking kill them.

(1)According to all other fanfictions. Seriously, check the next fic below this one. Something involving some terminally nerdy girl getting it on with Link, I bet money.

(2)I fucking hate this word.

(3)I bet you spent hours looking for note 3.

(4)Bitch can't even quote Shakespeare right.

Alright, that's all for tonight. What will happen next? Something clichéd and stupid, I bet.


	2. Oh Hell, Oh Damn Part 2

_Black Light Princess- _Oh no, bitch, I'LL FUCKING KILL **YOU.** Glad you enjoyed the story!

_Darkle_- Well then you'll love the desecration of her corpse that will follow.

Alright, I considered dropping this on account of the writing being half-baked and shitty, but I got a few laughs, so I'll finish it. Without further ado, the climactic and death defying end to the first part of Some Kinda Fish Sauce, part 1…

Oh Hell, Oh Damn… part 2.

…

_Bitches._

* * *

Marth had stopped making his cheese sandwich. Zelda was now a twitching corpse, cranium splattered by the mighty power of the Viking™ Rotisserie-style Oven's door. It fries, it bakes, it crushes women's heads.(1) Roy and Link had ended their extended lip-lock. For a moment, there was silence.

But, as was customary in shallow fictions like these, the door(2) burst open. Out stepped Samus and Fox. They ignored the swordsmen completely, heading for the corpse.

"Whaddya think happened, Sam?" asked Fox askingly.

"Don't know," the bounty hunter said saidfully. "Looks like blunt trauma. Probably murder."

Marth interjected. "What the hell is going on h-"

"We'll ask the questions, tiara-boi!" The Arwing pilot looked him up and down. "Where were you on the night of 5 minutes ago?"

"Um, right here?"

Samus struck the Prince of Altea with her blaster. "Don't lie, motherfucker!"

Fox stepped to his other side. "Don't worry, Marth. We know you didn't do this."

Samus grabbed a bucket of cold water(3) and threw it all over Marth's face. "Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. But I'm in the mood to fuck you up and be done with it."

"Are you trying to Good Cop, Bad Cop me!"

Fox started to answer, before his ears perked up. "EVERYBODY DOWN!" The group hit the deck, and Fox withdrew his blaster and fired three quick shots. When the dust cleared, Zelda's corpse now had three glowing holes in it. Fox coolly blew the smoke rising from the barrel.

"See that? Killer always returns to the scene of the crime."

Before anyone could react,(4) a large sword pushed through Fox's chest. The anthromorph gasped, and expired pitifully. Roy was the wielder of the sword. Samus readied her blaster. Link unsheathed his blade.

Like, _fifty fucking wireframes _burst through the door.

Marth dropped to his knees, breaking the tense air of the situation.

"_All I wanted was a fucking cheese sandwich!"_

* * *

D A R K N O T E S

* * *

They're like Sparknotes, only if anyone else makes that comparison I'll fucking kill them.

(1) DM was paid $50,000 for this advertisement. Also, if you notice a continuity error, pat yourself on the back, and then kiss my ass.

(2) Either somebody keeps closing the goddamn door or there are _way _too many fucking entrances to the kitchen.  
(3) Varia Suit Power Up - Bigass Bucket of Water gained.  
(4) I'd like to get serious here for a second. This is a common plot device used to continue the actions without breaking for boring dialogue or movements. A cameo role will be given to the user that explains another way to keep the action fresh without comic book style interruptions.

And so that's how it happened. What went on next? Screw you, why the hell do you care? Next part will probably involve Kirby, because Kirby loves food like a fat kid loves ca-

Shit, wait.


End file.
